world_divided

Tue, 15 Mar 2005 19:28:54 GMT

HEY ALLY!!!!! hope ur ok...tlk to ya soon....matt xxx

dammit

Tue, 15 Mar 2005 19:16:13 GMT

broken. totally. lol. i have to admit it at some point i spose. might as well say it now. get it over with. push through it. and then build myself back up. ok .i feel totally broken. physically and emotionally. everything. me and rhi splitting. the last few weeks. my family splitting. my home now. stress of school and coursework. now the stress of drama. dammit i wanna release. and i have let myself go. i just wanna break down so much i just wanna let it all fade away and cry in a corner until time passes and everything is alright again. sorry. i haven't been faking anything. i really have been happy. but i just can feel it. and have done for a long time. i want to get over this. i get called a depressed maniac anyway. might as well prove you all right : ( i really just wanna let it all go but everyone wants me to hold on, and its so much pressure, i dunno how long i can hold on for. i just know i have to try. i dont know wat i want, i just feel like a wreck. its like, icould write about some stuff but i know i cnt, so dnt worry, but i mean, i am going to have to cope but i just want to be totally happy, without any shit lurking behind me. i dont want it to take me over.

sorry

dont hate me please. its just the truth.

matt

hello dear friends

Tue, 15 Mar 2005 18:43:16 GMT

thought i would update again. *bloody hell! call the papers!! the cries go up around the country, COOMBES UPDATED, wat, again? YES, AGAIN!!*

so anyway, i am bored at home and shall attempt to bring a slight light heartedness to the proceeding by writing about my depressingly dull yet exciting life. you see the juxtaposition there??? did ya see it??? lol A level english, can't beat it. lmao wat a nob i am. lol not really. i rock, apparently, kinda having a little period at the mo where i have no self confidence about anything about me, i'm cool though, apparently, and just generally likeable, which is cool. fuck me i am rambling. ha ha very funny i said fuck.

well wat to write about, nothing happened today, npthing happening tonight. bolloks. big fat hairy ones that hang really low.

dammit cnt concentrate, update later

matt...x

hey...

Tue, 15 Mar 2005 17:57:00 GMT

*THE HARDEST THING ISN'T FINDING WHO WE NEED TO BE, IT'S BEING CONTENT WITH WHO WE ARE*

heya my ppl

Mon, 14 Mar 2005 17:42:42 GMT

oh my god!!!
*you cry aloud as the utter shock of coombes actually updating this fucking thing hits you* :)

Just thought i may write some thoughts down for any delusional person thinking that reading this will provide an amazing insight into life and how it works and this shall therefore be a spectacular disaster in that sense. It will however detail, however greatly, what has been happening in my existence.

so, what exactly has coombesy been up to in the past few days, maybe weeks even that his adoring public may wish to know about, read about or just not give a flying fuck about. Well i furthered my interest into going to drama school by visiting a pub in london, getting utterly paralectic, throwing up in 4 bines, 6 different pavement spots, 2 benches, and into a bag for the half an hour ride home. oh yes it was a classic.

The actual place i visited is Italia Conte school of performing arts and is where i shall be auditioning for in the near future, spouting some wanky shit about how much i love a skull, well actually no, the theatre i saw up in london was absolutely fucking brilliant, pardon my french. *french? french you say? you stare in bewilderment at your computer trying to scan throught the utter bullshit infront of you searching for any french word connected, however remotely, to anything i have said. I am infact, wasting your time.*

sorry, i know ithis is a pile of turd but i feel all fuzzy and tripping on nutmeg, james i love you and always will until the day i die.

anyway, sorry if this gets weird or profound, just know i am under the influence of a cooking spice. now thats a sentence i never though i would say, actually i thought i would never say "oh my god that rhino is eating the bean pole* however, that situation did come about during a rather wonderful evening down in gravesend, too drunk to remember who, when, or even why. but hey its my world i know some huge bloke flattened this girl. was funny. saw his arse crack. not funny.

its amazing wat can actually be fitted into that tiny space between your jeans and your fucking arse. ofcourse my arse is amazing, and tiny so i can fit several charis downthere before the security get suspicious. seriously though, you can put a couple of bad boy VHS down there. corr, some ppl, not that anyone has ever stolen anythnig ever.

wow i swear i was facing the other way a minute ago. weird.

well i went lion at the wknd. didn't open. got head butted in the face by a pikey. had a kebab. had fun. very drunk. oh so drunk. fell in a bush. dropped trousers. visited AMF bowling. james's house. i made the biggest piss trail ever. 40 meteres or over. borland dropped his kebab. borland dropped my kebab. saw mates. the following list of those i can remember. i did write a list. got too long. deleted it.

ok work out the last one for yourself. its not all in the right order and i can't be fucked to make it chronological or some shit.

yay day off tomorrow. have to go into a careers interview to completely ignore everything they suggest to me. its drama school. its all i have ever wanted to do. those who know me, really know me, understand that. nothing else will make me happy. and being happy is all that is important.

james, go to canada dude. i so hope you do. it will be such an experience for you and i know i'll miss ya like fuck but dude i know how happy it will make you :)

summer coming up guys, hopefully driving soon, going to rock the fucking world. and to everybody i have plans with when i pass my test, we shall follow them through.

skating, restarted, rocked so lots more shall be done, oh yes baby.

music, i am in love with, it keeps me going through everything just, sometimes i need something more. and i only know one way to escape. but hey we all wanna hide that away and pretend it doesnt exist. and it rarely does, which i suppose is good. :)

got AS level drama devised piece to work on, it will be awesome, i am working on a really emotional scene where i commit suicide after a relationship, using stanislavski ideas, for this i am using emotion memory. then i get to fall off scafolding on to ppl who catch me. but you can come and see it if u want to know what happens.

it will rock though.

anyway i shall write again at some point ok?

goodbye children, everywhere,

*wouldnt it be great if you could just save one person, just one, who would you choose?*

*wouldnt it be great to help one person, to bring them back from the edge?*

*would you help anyone, anywhere, anytime*

to my friends, past and present, i write here today, to you, to all of you, that i will always be here, night or day, for you, anytime you need me, i don't care what it is, i dont want you to sit there and think, oh he didn't mean it. i do. anytime any place, i will be there for you, i will talk, listen, give advice or just hold you while you cry. anything. i mean it. i will come and get you if necessary, i will come to you just to be by your side. i will wait for you, and i will stay with you, through everything.

all yours...now and forever..

your matt...x

Fri, 25 Feb 2005 21:03:26 GMT

just to clarify....the last post...wasn;t about a girl...

to dan...my best mate..who was always there for me...but committed suicide three years ago after taking cocaine...to him...in loving memory....

i love you...x

in loving memory...

Fri, 25 Feb 2005 20:15:26 GMT

(from me, to someone special)

in loving memory.....
this is for you...
one who was always there...
and then wasn't.....

i love you...x

well hullo....

Fri, 25 Feb 2005 19:25:23 GMT

heya ppl...been away ages...couldn't be bothered to write....i'm bored now....so i'll write in here........i am sooooooooooo obsessed with music at the moment...it keeps me going........going to WE WILL ROCK YOU on monday!!!!......yay!!!....me and raj and dunno who else is going to london at some point to go placeS!!! like buckingham palace and twill rock....went to see FALLOUT BOY!!!!

allow me to take a paragraph or two to explain the full extent of this gig.....it was....like...an experience more than any gig....like i've seen green day, blink, LTJ, TBS and ppl but like...this was at the smallest london venue i have ever been too!!! the mean fiddler....its like...tiny...and just....soooooooo good...fallout boy have like...steadily been one of the bands i have listened to most wen i am at home...their songs...about like...moving on and getting over stuff...wen i got the opportunity to go...i was like....i am STUPID if i don't do this!!!!...............so i did....and like...one thing that made it worth while....'Nobody puts baby in the corner' .....like, my favourite song...its sooo rad...and like...i was front centre....and it was sooo good...him on his own....on the stage...with a guitar......oh.....my.....god.....and it was sooo totally emo...so like went through sooo many emotions wen i was there!!!......was like a fucking legendary experience....so...some serious moshing was done.....got very very drunk......lol was sooo funny...then i think someone put something in my drink coz i went all weird and throwing up and got checked out but i was ok!!! so its all good...smoked like a fucking chimney as is compulsory at a small venue...either YOU smoke or you get smoked on...and its much nicer smoking by choice....ah fuck it why am i justifying myself...i had a smoke there coz i fucking wanted to...and i fucking was like...hell yes...live music...fag in one hand...beer in the other.....soooo good

right....um...then went home on the train...interesting....then got home and fell asleep..."WHAT?!?!?!? YOU FELL ASLEEEEEEEEEEEEP???" lol private joke............so yes fall out boy was amazing!!!

shouts to amy and fiona!! you guys rock...great m8s!!!!! lol lost you 5 seconds in but hey...
yes...train ride hime was fun....

anyway!!!

wat else has been happening...driving going awesome....um....just been chillin really....not much,......well loads but i'm not gonna write it...i don't want to offend ppl...i cnt be bothered with any hassle....people who know....know....

so right now i am bored....

ooooh i know i'll post this thing i wrote...its ok......bit emo...but....hold on...i fuckin love emo!!! it rocks....wats wrong with music that actually means something to the ppl who sing it and ppl that can relate to it....

just off on a random subject quickly....um....ppl who don't like emo music...it seems to me...that they haven't had the same experiences as other ppl....i love emo music...because i can relate to it...i can understand the hurt and pain...the blood sweat and tears in each and every line of a great song and i love writing stuff that means something to me...hoping that i can get through to just like one person...so 'starting on emo's coz there aren't any pikeys is bullshit' wats fucking wrong with having feelings...we will all experience pain at some point in our lives....and music...if we can relate to it...understand then for some ppl it helps them through.....

the greatest experience is listening to a song...and hearing lyrics that like...describe you...exactly what you are doing...how ur feeling...and if you can say "hey...thats rad....amen my brother" then you know that at some point things will look better.

anyway...my words......

Watch Young Love Implode

Imagine my pain when I found out we were broken
I knew we weren't perfect but things were never this bad
But then again we fought to recoup what we started
If that didn’t work than nothing can and nothing will!

Pitying those who walk with the sense of a madman
Oblivious to the heartbreak that stalks them
The feelings that were, implode within moments
Because nothing would work, nothing would work!!!

THE CANDLE’S OUT BUT THE LOVE STILL BURNS!

The distant near future seems forever running
Away from the hope, belief and good feelings
There’s a way out but it comes at a price
To forget all my feelings in a sweet sacrifice!

The candle’s out but the love still burns
You walk right by and my stomach churns
I start to sweat when I’m in your presence
Stuck in a circle that’s never ending
It will never break, can’t ever break
I hit the floor and start to shake
This is all for you I hope you know
As long as you’re here I’ll never go

The candle’s out
The candle’s out
The candle’s out
The candle’s out
The candle’s out
The candle’s out
The candle’s out and I’m still shaking

one last thing....the words keeping me here....

"With this pen in my hand i scrawl my existence....and what you mean to me..." thankyou...you know who you are....and you know why you wrote it...and same...right back at you...:)....

well i'm off....i shall write later i suppose....enjoy the update

rad times ahead

rock on

die happy

peace

Wed, 16 Feb 2005 16:51:03 GMT

i dont want to hurt anyone anymore
i dont want to hurt anymore
please dont judge me
i'm just a fucked up kid
i'm 17, i just couldnt handle all the pressure
but i know wat u mean to me now
everything
its up to you to decide wat u want to do
either way i want to be friends
i really do
i hope you are ok whatever you are doing
and i hope that it is fun

Wed, 16 Feb 2005 15:33:39 GMT

wherever you are i want you by my side
the good times are what matters
this is the biggest mistake of my life
i'm suicidal
i have never felt like this before
you were my world and i just destroyed it....

see you around

Tue, 30 Nov 2004 23:12:49 GMT

Suicide is not the answer!

Ask the 25-year-old who tried to electrocute himself. He lived. But both his arms are gone.

What about jumping? Ask John. He used to be intelligent, with an engaging sense of humor. That was before he leaped from a building. Now, he's brain-damaged and will always need care. He staggers and has seizures. He lives in a fog. But, worst of all, he KNOWS he used to be normal.

What about pills? Ask the 12-year-old with extensive liver damage from an overdose. Have you ever seen anyone die of liver damage? You turn yellow. It's a hard way to go.

What about a gun? Ask the 24-year-old who shot himself in the head. Now he drags one leg, has a useless arm and has no vision or hearing on one side. He lived through his "foolproof" suicide. You might too.

But ... who will clean your blood off the carpet or scrape your brains from the ceiling? Commercial cleaning companies may refuse that job--but SOMEONE has to do it.

Who will have to cut you down from where you hung yourself or identify your bloated body after you've drowned? Your father? Your mother? Your wife? Your son?

The carefully worded "loving" suicide note is of no help. Those who loved you will NEVER completely recover. They'll feel regret and an unending pain.

Suicide is contagious. Look around your family. Look closely at the 4 year old playing with his cars on the rug. Kill yourself tonight, and he may do it ten years from now.

You DO have other choices. There are people who can help you through this crisis. Call a hotline. Call a friend. Call a family member. Call your minister or priest. Call a doctor or hospital. Call the police. They will tell you that there's hope. Maybe you'll find it in the mail tomorrow. Or in a phone call this weekend. But what you're seeking could be just a minute, a month, or a day away.

You say you don't want to be stopped? Still want to do it? -Well, then, I may see you in the psychiatric ward later. And we'll work with whatever you have left.

Remember: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

song......

Tue, 30 Nov 2004 08:18:27 GMT

I'M SICK OF THIS LIFE
WHY CAN'T I SCREAM
I MADE MY MISTAKES
WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME?
I DON'T WANNA KNOW
HOW I SHOULD FEEL
AS I DRAW THE RAZOR
ACROSS THE SOFT SPOT ON...MY...HEEL!!

WHY DON'T YOU JUST....
WALK AWAY
RUN AWAY
COME BACK AND SEE ME
ANOTHER DAY

I REMEMBER THE DAYS WHEN
WE USED TO HANG OUT AND...
WE'D LAUGH AND CRY, TOGETHER FOREVER
UNTIL....THE.....END...OF...TIME

that was weird......

peace

don't you see..............the life...i lead.......

Tue, 30 Nov 2004 07:27:25 GMT

well.......i always start with that...i'm 17!!!!!!!!! woohooooooo anyway wat has been happening??? wat is it wat is it wat is it? WAT HAS HAPPENED!! um...got pissed...very pissed...james dieded...i passed out in between bouts of amazing fun...managed to phone mr d my drama teacher when i was fucked and was telling him i love him and that he's the best teacher i ever had....which is true lol...but it was a bit like OH FUUUUUUUUCK when i found out i had done it...but he was cool when i saw him on monday...well....today is tuesday...day off!!! not gonna do much...some work and then see ben and james...i think then pat and gregg are coming down..i shall go and met rhiannaand go back up to ben's probably by which time christy will be ther so me and rhi can watch them rehearse...they are all in a band now...ben...james..pat...gregg...christy and sam....tis coool....hope they rock...

oh...some news on my band..um...they all came down on sunday for my b-day and it was fucking hilarious..i hope per and trev had fun..i know for a fact that ben adn squid did!!!!...squid we shall get the ball down YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED BALL AVENGER!!!! so anyway we have a gig on the 10th of december.....at axton chase...some sort of evening....i dunno...but in the new year we're going to paky down thel ion....its soooo cooooollll..........we have SET LIST a fucking set list of our own songs and the cover of the kinks that we did for the xfm competition in which we came 23rd....um...stuff with that is going awesome..we're really starting to click...going mental while we are playing and stuff....lol...

peace out

emo!!

Mon, 15 Nov 2004 15:16:21 GMT

emo rocks!!!! emo rocks!!!!!!! emo!!!!! emo!!!! emo rocks!!! listening to the new taking back sunday album!!!! and thursday!!!!! and funeral for a friend and then it moves on...and i'm listening to my chemical romance and allister and at the drive in and placebo and silverstein and ataris and less than jake and it rocks. so cool. um....wat to update...i'm working at the moment not tlking to anyone, not doing anything i am actually working....well i'm writing this but hey...i'm bored...so...emotional rock....um....anyway......

sunday=======skating!!!!!!!!=====um...fun
james borland and binnie come to my house======go and get joel and skateboard====meopham secondary====fetch rhianna!!!====food=====secondary school again===meet gary witcomb=====binnie leaves========primary school====3 sets===6 set for borlando===gary leaves===race to jump over gates====james and stu leave====me joel and rhi stroll hom FREEZING===dark..................

was an awesome day!!!!!

i'm not gonna write anything about how i'm feeling, i cnt be bothered to look like i'm attention seeking but I CAN'T HELP HOW I FEEL I CAN'T HELP IT ITS NOT ME IT HOW I FEEL IF I COULD I WOULD CHANGE BUT I CANT SO LIVE WITH IT.... THERE, YOUR STUCK WITH IT I CANT CHANGE AND I WONT CHANGE FOR ANYONE YES I CAN PRETEND AND YES I DO, A LOT BUT IT WONT CHANGE HOW I FEEL INSIDE BECAUSE I CAN'T HELP HOW I FEEL!!!!

live your life...listen, i read stuff on this site from people and some stuff people write down i cannot understand. i see writings like they are so depressed and ugly and fat and are totally alone...now these accusations upon one's self have to be taken seriouslly and i can understand a lot of the time how some people feel the way they do, or at least i try to....anyway what i;m saying is i read the comments left and these people have friends who go online to post coments that they will be their for the person no matter what happens and they will always love them...now i read this and yet i can still read peoples entries saying i am so alone everyone hates me, i am such a bad person....well if we are to ignore all praise and all advice that comes our way, to ignore all offers of support and friendship then yes we are very much alone....i think people should trust others more...listen to what they have to say and think about why they are ACTUALLY feeling this way instead of reading off a website and putting down fake feelings that make no sense. you cannot say you feel so alone and un supported if on that entry there are 10 or 20 comments telling you how much you are loved.....feeling lost and alone inside one's self and lost in the world i can understand but friendless???? i don't know.......

live life
peace out...

so......

Sun, 07 Nov 2004 09:58:50 GMT

i never think of any good titles for my entries........tiddly diddly.....um...

YOU ARE THE GIRL,
I NEVER KNEW,
VERONICA
I HATE YOU

YOU IN MY WAY
WE'RE SO UNTRUE
VERONICA
I HATE YOU

(then there is no musice and.....)

YOU ARE THE GIRL,
I NEVER KNEW,
VERONICA
I HATE YOU

YOU IN MY WAY
WE'RE SO UNTRUE
VERONICA
I HATE YOU

such a funky song....sorry...just writing stuff down...also i thought i'd post a song i wrote for the band....its awesome......sorry if it seems like....a bit...morbid and depressing....but its my lyrics...so poo poo to u with knobs on.....anyway here we go.....

I’ll draw u a picture
I’ll draw it with a twist
I’ll draw it with a razor blade
I’ll draw it on my wrist
And when this picture is finished
The blood it starts to run
Sitting, crying, bleeding, hurting,
You see what you’ve begun

I will try and talk to you
To show you what’s inside
In here I am dying
My own private suicide

Here I’m standing all alone
terrified, desperate and intrigued
At what will happen to me now
My blade is all I need

sounds awesome with the music...all growly and then singing and shouting and screaming and.....FUN!!!

dunno what to write....i have soooo much work to do today...gonna start in a mintue....um.....i...i dunno...how i feel, i dunno what to write...stuff is like not good atm..not good at all....um...i'm ok guys..i james...i haven't done anything dude....i have like...had my arms aching for it..they were like aching...and...

can i just say some stuff about triggers to you guys....don't worry if u dnt understand what the fuck i am talking about...
i have got triggers that make me wanna do it, there aren't that many but they are there and i just wanted to mention it...like i heard someone ....

(no names again. i'm not pissed off at anyone by the way. not at all. you wouldn't have known at all so don't worry)

someone..like talking about razor blades and like how "if u have two then like slash it bleeds so much"....and my world fell apart infront of me...like....this big black hand grabbed my throat and held me, i felt sick....stuff started to spin and my arms were itching and aching to be cut and i could only think of cutting and i wanted to see them bleed so i lay down on the table.....and then i was shown marks on some one else and my mind went crazy and i had to get out of there so i went and sat in the toilets to calm down...i threw up a bit...but i was ok....

i'm not angry at anyone for anything...no-one would have known...i didn't know i would react like that so....no-body worry.....

this is to james...um...i kept down food on thursday and friday...i was so pleased..(sorry if u dnt understand why but oh well) but saturday night i had to....i just felt so full up and like...lost it...so today i start again......dude.....shit...my dad's like...i just saw him downstairs...red in the face....drink in hand...FUCKING MOT EVEN 10AM FOR FUCKS SAKE WTF KINDA FUCK FACE DOES THAT......sorry i just, i get so messed up in my head at the mo, i mean, i am really happy when i'm out, i am never in this house, only ever on sunday, i only come back here to sleep, its fucked up.....i like...get happy, forget everything...i hang with you guys, with rhianna and joel and like...then...i get home...and its like daily i build this world up and then...it falls apart infront of my eyes......i don't know how much longeri can take this....and yes before u may think that i just have to learn to deal with it, or that...every family has argument...because i know they do...but there is more..and i cant put it here....

sorry for that...i shall shush...coz u dnt wanna read about that....um...had drama rehearsal after school on friday which kicked ass....um...was funny... then everybody went home and it was dark and rhi was very kindly picking me up nut like...they were a little late so Mr D just like waited with me outside the school and we talked for a while about everything...even GTA:San andreas...so i would like to thank him....um....then rhi picked me up and found out we were going to a firework display...so went home...later went to jill and ray's house to watch a massive firework display...um...rhianna got tipsy and was hilarious...i had i think a few drinks but i drank them slowly, loads of adults so i didn't wanna get drunk...i asked joel how many he had had "only 3 or 4, this'll probably be it" one hour later i asked him again "um...9 or 10" he replied....swaying gently....so i had rhianna telling me about the "placebo of everything" and was making me laugh so much it hurt and joel ened up having like 12 or 13 beers and then was sick and we had to stop the car like 3 times on the way home coz he was gonna be sick.....lol....then i went home REALLY late...and my dad got up....and so i ended up really upset lying on my floor and sleeping against the door to stop him getting in.....then saturday squid came down, strapped muscle aplicators to him and made him spasm...did it to my forearm and wrist on the same arm on full power and my arm like wrenched from my body in a wild spasm...was fun....then went.... somewhere....cnt remember....then went to bluewater in the evening..joel got green day's new album and i got taking back sunday's new album....um...rhianna got me a one of my birthday pressies....I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS.....it's soooo awesome...my b-day will hopefully rock, gonna get everyone from school to come, like all you guys and i shall invite my band so u can meet them....um.....yeah then got home ate food, fell asleep on rhiannas bed...came home...more shit...that u don't wanna hear about....woke up, paper round...and then here we are...on the comp........

i shall update later when more hasd happened...now......ON WITH MY DRAMA ESSAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

peace out
from my rotting body, flowers shall grow, and i am in them, and that is eternity......

......

Thu, 04 Nov 2004 15:24:30 GMT

right, well i thought i'd quickly write something in here......i am an individual...i have always wanted to be different...not to get attention...but beacause i am trying to find who i am..i don't want short hair with the front spiked...i don't want to sit back and watch the world pass by....i want to stand up, influence it...have long hair....why shouldn't i dye my hair....what gives people the right to comment on my appearence??? i am young, if ur reading this, u are probably young. Surely it is the time when we are young that we should dye our hair, see whats possible, if u settle down now ur certainly not gonna get any more active when u grow up. and like....being hyper...isnt like a drugs thing...it isnt coz i am a vegetarian...like i have no iron....

(one thing...i don't fuckin question you people who eat meat so what fuckin right do you have to question me......unbalanced diet??? what the fuck are u fuckin talking about....how the fuck can some people think that eating meat is more natural than eating what we grow....retards...let me be afuckin veggie and i'll let u eat me....DON'T JUDGE WHAT U CANNOT UNDERSTAND)

anyway....me being hyper usually comes down to me wanting to forget all the shit that is going on in my life and just let go...and if certain people (no names but its obvious) want to criticize me, the way i act or my fucking hair then u don't understand me and never will.......i can't explain it...i want to be individual, i want to know i have actually done stuff and enjoyed it.....

my mates....they know me..i just want them to be sure its not for attention...i am trying to find myself.....u probably dnt understand that but....i want to know who i am inside...i want to be true to myself and if doing that mean looking and acting different then so be it.....

i will never judge anyone on their beliefs or things they do....i will never question...for example....why u eat meat....why is ur hair like that??? u want it that way then u fuckin have it that way and just be true to urself. we live in a society based on what other people think of us....."NO DON'T DO THAT PEOPLE ARE WATCHING"..............then i say fuckin let them look...why change who we are for people who do not matter........

the people who matter to me are my rhianna....james stu ben christy joel patt gregg all of my friends....and if they are my friends they will accept me and each other for who and what we are.....individuals...

the people who matter i hope.....understand...sorry for ranting.........

peace out

morning update!!!

Thu, 04 Nov 2004 07:31:23 GMT

well its the morning and i hardly slept at all. i think i drifted off at like 4 or 5 and then got up at six...oh well i'm ok...i got a bit upset and stuff....coz of stuff happening...but its cool...i cnt just keep letting it bring me down!!!!! so last night.....was fucking awesome!!!!!! yay!!!!! awesome bandness....i arriced....cool grunger sitting on a table in the corner...said hellooooo to everyone...i dnt think the older ppl knew who i was coz i just walked in and started singing with the band!! twas cool.

mucked about with rhianna and this dude called gary whos mental so its coooool....then the per and trev fiddled with their amps, got it set up and we sang pills....it rocked but i think we were all a bit tired...it wasn't too lively.....next we did Plans to Aloof which failed.......coz it...did....i have only ever heard it once coz i didn't know the words.....then we did..........OH OH TREV'S SONG!!!!

yay...and i put my lyrics to it and it fucking rocked!!!!!!! yay!!!um.....we dide it twice to get it right....um.....then we were going to do MEGA but decided to do Creative Review first so we were going to start but a teacher walked in and talked for like 10 mins....we have to do 3 covers next week and record them and send them off to XFM and then we might perform infront of thousands of ppl.....which you know.......that would be alright....i suppose..........lol.....awesome!!!

so when she left we did creative review which rocked!!! coz its coz amazing lyrics and music and just.....yay!!! then....finally.....came THE song of the band MEGA!!! which naturally fucking rocked...when we play the gig at the school on december 10th (plugging there) we're gonna finish with that...it rocks so much...trev and ben went mental and played awesomely...per was amazing and i rocked out hard...squids drumming rocked as well....we all got really hyped and then....it was time to go...which sucked...oh yeah...at the end of mega the band just kept playing which means that when they do that i can jump into the crowd!!!! yay!!! it was awesome as they made it up!!!!!

oh yeah MEGA has quite a bit of swearing in the chorus....so i had to cut it out coz a teacher walked in so i sounded really weird at one point coz most of the words were missing.....

wellity wellity wellity.............

Tue, 02 Nov 2004 13:01:18 GMT

well i'm here, i'm very bored....nothing to do....um...oh yeah dude......today i just had lunch....early i know...at like 11 or summin...then afterwards i saw loads of stars and woke up again at 12:23 on my kitchen floor..........that IS SOME FUCKED UP SHIT RIGHT THERE!!!! oh well.....guess i just fainted or sum shit...oh well...hope it don't happen at school.......anyway...stuff with rhi is really coool..........it's awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love you my hunny!! oh yeah found out yesterday that this friday is the first rehearsal for Brave New World the play which i am doing....gonna rock....hope so anyway...my hair is browny red but ppl think its ginger....i dnt care though really.....i'm wearing a beret at the mo and i think its cool so........um.........i dnt know what to write...i'm bored...listening to REALLY cool music....like everything on my playlist....lol........um.........i hope everyone is ok.....i feel really drained at the mo.....oh well........band practice 2moz!!!!! yay!!!!!

well here we are then....

Sun, 31 Oct 2004 11:19:29 GMT

doesn't music rock.......just...absolutely fuckin rock the utmost ultimate dudishness of the world........it can make u feel absolutely fuckin anything......it can lift u up....make u want to be happy...do anything ....go out and skate...and it can also reflect ur mood...it can describe ur feelings....when u are feeling down and depressed......it can empathise with u...help u to understand what u are feeling...u can link ur feelings to the lyrics in a song....explained by someone who feels the sam but who you will probably never meet and know properly...singer and bands are sharing their feelings and helping us all through the most wonderful and most difficult times of our lives...music can touch u in ways no amount of written words can.....the written words can move you but music can bring you to tears of...happiness....in the past listening to songs has made me realise what i am feeling....the following songs have then sung of breaking out of the routine...doing what u want and this has brought me back up.....its awesome...sorry...i'm going to ramble coz i'm bored and i want to get this off my chest and see if anyone agrees...if anyone feels the same...and how well people think i have written this down......lol......i'm gonna leave it there...i may add some more later...must do general studies work now......peace out..

hey all............

Sun, 17 Oct 2004 09:31:50 GMT

hey rhi if you read this, i'm sorry i didn't tell you about it, i wasn't hiding it from anyone, especially you, but i wasn't really telling anyone about it either......if that makes sense....i'm sorry anyway.............
so...wats been happening.....well today is sunday and i'm doing all my homework...that sucks so today shall be boring until i can go and see rhianna.....yay!!! um....me, rhiannna, james, joel, stu and ben went to see BOWLING FOR SOUP!!!!!!!! it rocked, red about it, especially the testers dedication by me, in james's live journal....i would like to add that the lead singer of the feds sang TO ME...about 6 inches away from my face as i crowd surfed into him he grabbed me pulled me in and was singing in my face. i got up on james and joel and stood above the crowd and screamed at him "you fuckin rule" and there was a solo thing so he says to me "£whats happening" and the only thing i could think of saying at the time was "YOU FUCKING RULE!!!" and he then said "dAMN RIGHT" and burst back into song, it ruled.....also, the most painful crowd surf i have ever had, and probably the worst out of all of us....i was lifted up...went along for about three seconds and was dropped straight down onto my neck and head....i was lifted up again and went for a few more seconds before being dropped again but i was caught this time and my neck jarred.....finally i was up and going before i was flipped onto my front and then front flipped head first into the barriers so i was semi concious with my legs in the air....thsecurity guard then lifted me up by my fuckin groin and wen i was over he threw me against the barrier any way coz someone else was coming over the top....it caned so much....................so.....so painfull..........me and joel moshed together and everyone stopped to watch...it was coool.....we all stood in awe and watched rhianna destroy a mosh pit which was quite spectacular and amazing.........................um................wat else....my party happened after that...................
read about it in james live journal but i would just like to thank james and rhianna for the amazing time we spent in my room, me and james laughed for so long and it ruled....i am sorry rhianna for flicking your eyebrows until you woke up.....i would just like to stress how drunk me and james were.....if we had finished that nottle of wine and the beers i had....we would have been going to hospital....no doubt about it.........thankyou for poureing the wine away dude............although you left a pretty red stain on my porch roof lol.......................i felt the effects of alcahol untill 11pm the following night wen i was in bed i felt tipsy dude!!! amazing...i could still smell it until tuesday, fucked up!!!!
anyway peoples sorry about not skating gravesend on thursday and friday i was really ill...sorry....dunno wat else to write, gotta get on with work............update later............matt

peace out

rhianna you are my angel
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hey diddle diddle

Thu, 07 Oct 2004 14:13:21 GMT

um....well today was easy, had the last two periods off. um....i feel really fuckin weird. like i'm losing my mind or summin, sometimes i'm really hyper and then i can instantly switch to being next to dead, theres so much going on in my head i dunno if i can figure it all out. got bowling for soup this saturday. james was jokingly sayingi'll be passed out for most of it coz i'm always fucked up at school, (i lie on the table under the stairs with my music on and just close my eyes.....) and i've just been thinking.....well, yeah, wat if i am??? i dunno wat to do about summin else either, i kinda have a really bad urge to cut up my arms....again!! i know....but shit i'm trying so hard not to that today i was trying so hard not to cry, dunno wats built up but i dnt know wat'll happen if i let it out, i dnt want james or rhi to be angry or dissapointed at me, and i cnt keep dumping on james!

i dnt want people to like....hate me or think i;m some phsyco who's into bad shit, for me it's not bad, it's a way of me not dying, if i hadn't done it beforei would be dead now. if it wasn't for james and rhianna i wouldn't be here now. i thank you with my very soul. James you have saved me from so much, i f u ever read this....and rhi....you know wat you saved me from.......

the other day....the 5th of october...tuesday was a very bad day for me, the day Dan committed suicide, and none of you know who Dan is so i'll shut up but it deserves a mention. he meant so much to me. my heart goes out to Joe. I loved you guys but u fucking left me here Joe, Kyle, Mark and Mike i fuckin loved you guys and u fuckin dumped me!!!!! well if you ever here of me again and read this i didn't need you, i didn't need the drugs and i didn't need that life, i have friends who love me for who i am now, people who i love and would do anything for. It's just a shame that wat i did for Dan you couldn't do for me.....

shit...i .......have to go now......bye.....i love the friends i have now ..xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
and rhianna, you know you will always be in my thoughts and heart
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hmm.......biddle

Sun, 03 Oct 2004 08:36:44 GMT

well on wednesday i went to axton chase after school to sing for a band....Soze....that So-zay...anyway, they rock so much!! um, i didn't know nay of their songs so i sung Hate to say i told you so by the hives, and apparently it rocked!!! which is always good, so i'm kinda in the band as the singer!!! woohoo!! going back on wednesday to sing their songs and joel is gonna record it..........it's nerve racking. oh yeah they gave joel a cd to give to me and their first two songs are awesome, but the third, floaty didn't have any lyrics so i wrote some to it, i think it works, its quite a soft song so....i'll post it her.....

Sozé
FLOATY

It’s alright, your feeling floaty,
Coming down from off your high
But nobody was with you,
The day you touched the sky

You’re out the back and sniffing glue,
You’re drinking night and day
I carved your name into my arm,
And it’s still bleeding today.
Now you’re floating,
Out of your mind,
And you can’t even see us,
Screened by your crying eyes

No one heard you laughing
And no one heard you screaming once again.
Nobody’s left,
Nothing ever turns out alright in the end,
Because you poisoned all theirs minds
And now they’ve gone away again

I watched you lying on your bed
Fading as I speak
Running away fro far too long
Your future’s looking bleak

It’s all over
Nothing left to do
You can cry all you want
Because no one is coming
Back for you

No one heard you laughing
And no one heard you screaming once again

No one heard you screaming….

yeah, its about someone being on a high, what happens to them, what they feel, what other people see and in the end...what happens.....i thought it was quite good.....lol............i'll post later, i have to work coz james is coming down soon and we're gonna skate i hope!!! ok, bye bye

stuff............

Sun, 19 Sep 2004 08:48:29 GMT

well today i'm sitting writing up my general studies homework. yesterday i met up with james stu and binnie and ben in the alley to go skating!!!! stood there ffor about 20 mins chattin. oh yeah at this point i would like to point out that as me and rhi entered the alleyway it started raining, about 3 seconds later we met borland, its proof borland, you bring bad weather, god hates you............lmao !!!!!! yeah so it was pissing it down and kept on getting harder the whole time (remember that)um.then we had a slow walk up to the chippy, was fun.um had chips rhianna spilled loads of vinegar over sausage, poor dog.....ITS NOT A FUCKIN RABBIT BORLAND!!! lol yeah then i got a phone call from joel who was with louise and laura nad was bored so wanted to come and find us so we waited until they arrived. oh dear.......we all continued walking up, joel and ppls were well behind and we decided to go and see the horses up behind bens house, it was really starting to rain now.....um......then the horses weren't in the field!! noooo....so ppl got comfortable sitting and we were skidding up and down on ben's bike on the wet grass, not that fun but it passed time.went to bens to get a drink.............um.....then had a conker fight, borland got hit really hard.that was fuckin funny.....then i grabbed a large 10-15 foot long steel pole and swung it round and round while running at joel and james and borland, it's funny coz everyone was laughing but them who were screaming at me to stop.lol funny!!! then james and borland had to go so we wandered down.......lol oh yeah borland blew a kiss at me i think or did summin that offended me so fuckin dangerously sprinted accross the main road with ppl screming behind me and flying punched borland befor legging it down the road and ppl were screaming, like everyone coz they thoughti was gonna run out infront of a van, which to be honest.....is was but they stopped me lol....so then we walked down the road singing.....ok I walked down the road singing.........then s[ent the rest of the way telling binnie to fuck off...lmfao.......fun!! then chilled at rhis house, watched the trailor and then the actual skate video...um.............then chilled for the rest of the day, watched the video of james 0party, it rocks so we're gonna make a section in the skate video about the party!!!! um.yeah then chilled and went home late, rents were shite..went to sleep late, paper round, and here i am..............................

so..............

Wed, 15 Sep 2004 06:42:34 GMT

it's not like a need................more of an addiction..stronge than that of like..........fags or summin...my arms are.like...aching to be cut.............i'm holding on so much.james.rhianna if u read this i am.....i'm holding on..........................so badly......i'm just getting ready for school..i've got table tennis today!!!!!!!! fun...............um......listening to sum kickass music at the mo......AFI-girl's not grey...amazing..........um..........i dunno wat to say, i'll post again after todya, see how i feel.............if at all............peace out

james's party

Mon, 13 Sep 2004 23:49:40 GMT

where to start??????????????

well firstly, it absolutely fuckin rocked! secondly i thought it was quite an achievement of mine to get drunk twice in one night!!
secondly it rocked...

turned up with rhi joel and ben, loads of alcahol came with us. overflowing plastic tub of drink....so cool
everyone was sitting down and being quite so naturally....i went mental
dunno wat people thought, dnt really care, its me and thats that. um tried to jump onto binnie's thighs, didn't worked coz he moved so i landed on my fuckin arse!! um, then i popped inside and met james seeting up his computer to play gainsville rock city so i ran outside and opened a giant bottle of WKD and told people to grab alcahol, and then the keys jungled.......the engine started and then wen the trumpets got going everyone went crazy, drinking and singing and moshing and shouting, sooooo much crazy shit went down.so many ledgendary songs were played...........oh yea matinee....patrick..great chillin there.............saw random people at random times....saw rhianna all the time......u didn't throw up!!! yay!!! i got hammered on an unknown amount of drink, went crazy and i think a threw a bottle and as it smashed i was told i shouted "alright who smashhhed the boddle".
hilarity was goog, then went paralytic and passed out kinda against james back door, i remember not being able to move from his floor, looking straight up, and it took james slapping me to get me moving. so anyway, against james door i couldn't breath properly, thoughts of every bad thing was going through my mind but i pushed it away, i wasn't going to ruin his party by spouting my shit everywhere.. props to james and rhi for helping me back and for sam who knew my name....
um, then james gave me like, 15 glasses of water and ri made me eat bread, then i passed out and was shaking so i got a blanket and went outside with james, rhi, joel arrived um..i thin kay and ally were there.....um......then i told borland that i wud kiss him if he founds the vodka and bacardi twist, and he did........so i did..........all in good fun.... anyway, opened the vodka and started to get tipsy and james's mum came down and stood in the room for a couple of minutes during which time i pressed my finger to my lips to shhhhh everyone.....twas a drunken gesture...then a moment or two later i started downing the vodka and took a lot and wen i put the bottle down both rhi and joel slapped me for being a stupid weenie with the vodka, so yeas i sneaked a quick downing of the green bacardi twist which, when i put it back on the table was met with a series of cries "where the fuck did all the fucking green stuff go" and my personal favourite from james "wat the biddle who what now....." ok... then so anyway got nicely mashed about 30 seconds later and we all started laughing and rhi tried to wiggle acroos the kitchen but ended up going in a circle....weird. any way i grabbed my board and ran.....straight into the front door which i then drunkenly opened, and, leaving it open was the first person at the party to skate, and this was celebrated by rididng off the curb and falling off.
wat a wanker......
lmao at none point james was up on the bank looking a little dead so me and rhi went to get him and he started shouting sum shite about rolling down the hilll......lmao dude.......
so after drunkenly falling over for a while my mind left me and i started hallucinating pink, to tell u the truth i think i had more than anyone realised at the party, especially with the vodka and i sneaked so much green stuff....so any way my hallucination...everything went pink......everything.......so i told joel and he laughed at me then slapped me..then rhi agreed with me and i shat myself so much..........lmao
um...went back in and then i shall leave out the time from 2am till about 4.30am for reasons only the fab 4 of me james rhia and stu know about in full. so.........anyway ate my way through a huge bag of tangy cheese doritos befor finding out they weren't veggie............tangy CHEESE...........tangy.................CHEESE!!!!!!!!! christ how confusing, yet beef and tomato pot moodles are veggiy............weird............so then everyone lays down at like half six, i prodded ben and pat's hand with a stick till 7am,slept till 8.30am and then got bran flakes and went home at 11.27............it absolutely fucking ruled...............props to everyone who went..........stoked completely.............update coming soon "The Aftermath"..............peace out